soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
