I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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