He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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