and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
