Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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