i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
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Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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