if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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