I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
