if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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