wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
