Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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