So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
