I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
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how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
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Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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