I think I won the penis lottery.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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