i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.