Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever