Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives