wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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