it's too hot outside to masturbate.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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