I'm going to jail i love you
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
