I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
