sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
