Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
