I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
