It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Found your dick twin last night
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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