i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
