she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
