if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The struggles of a small town man whore
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
