so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
