i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
