hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
