dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
