I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
3 2 1 whiskey
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
