my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
