I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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