Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
