I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
