K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
