I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize