does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you had me at cake vodka
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
