Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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