I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
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Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
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if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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