I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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