i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
