Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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