The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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