Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize