I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
