from now on my penis is your penis
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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