I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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