buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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