Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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