ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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