the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
