I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
