Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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