she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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