Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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