i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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